Not a quitter

With my son's permission, I bring you this story....

Yesterday was the last day of a youth retreat at PMBC. My wife stayed behind at camp with our two youngest children while I took Hannah and Jay, our oldest two, to church with me.

After church, I took them to Friday's for lunch. It was nice. We really had a great time. Before we left, I asked each of them if they had to use the bathroom. Both said "no." I asked again just to make sure and they answered the same, so we left.

We live about 20 minutes from Friday's. About 5 minutes into our drive, Jay looked at me and said, "Dad, I really need to go."

Jay, I just asked you five minutes ago and you said you didn't.

I know, but now I really do.

Can you hold it until we get home?

I think so.

With that confirmation, we drove for a minute or two. I realized that Jay was squirming in pain in his seat and was squinting his eyes as if in deep concentration.

Jay, are you sure you can make it?

I don't think I'm going to make it Dad.

Uh, oh. OK pal, hold it in as long as you can while I look for a
place to stop.

Sometimes Mommy lets me go in the grass on the side of the road.

Jay, it's broad daylight and there's too much traffic. Can you make it to Burger King?

I think so.

At this point, Jay started talking to himself, saying.....

I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to make
it to Burger King. Stanges never quit. I'm not giving up.

That's the spirit Jay. Just hold it a little longer, we're almost
there.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Burger King was too far away and he wouldn't last that long. At the last second, I turned into Walgreen's and got the kids out of the truck. We ran inside and found the bathroom, only to discover that you needed to press a numerical code into the handle for it to open.

Frustrated, we ran to the pharmacy. The pharmacist said, "I'll be with you in a moment," as she talked on the phone. I interrupted, "Mam, my son needs to use your bathroom and apparently we need a code to open the door." She said, "OK, I'll send someone over to punch it in."

We ran back to the bathroom and waited for a short moment. Jay was crossing his legs at this point in serious pain. Finally, someone showed up at the restroom and punched the code in. I looked over her shoulder to see what it was.

"1-2-3-4-5"

You've got to be kidding me.

Well, we made it in time and our bathroom crisis was averted.

And for the record, if there be an doubters out there,....know this.....Stanges never quit.

Should I be paranoid?

Last evening at church, an older gentleman came up to me and told me a joke. He always stands awkwardly and painfully close and speaks right in my face so I'm forced to smell his smoker breath. The joke was this, "Why can't a grizzly walk on gravel?............ Because he has "bare" feet!" Hilarious.

As he was speaking just inches from my face, something flew out of his mouth and somehow I managed to breathe it in. It was strange, like a particle or something. The timing was crazy. I was trying to hold my breath so I didn't have to smell his, but right when I had to breathe, this thing shot out of his mouth and into my nasal passageway. I immediately walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of soda (thinking that if it was alive I might have a chance of drowning it with Coke before it burrowed into my lungs). If I'm still alive this weekend, my remedy worked.

I wish I could end this post at that, but ........

Tonight, after Jr. High Youth Group, I stopped at K-Mart to pick up some tools and painting supplies for tomorrow's work project. I paid with a credit card. A split second before handing me the pen to sign the receipt, the cashier wiped his nose with it.

I know, either way I'm doomed.

Driving music

Tomorrow morning I have to drive to Philly for a meeting with our National Mission Board. When I take a long drive, I like to have good driving music picked out ahead of time. I recently made a compilation CD with such groups as; Boston, Burlap to Cashmere, Counting Crows, David Crowder Band, Guns N' Roses, etc. It's a good mix. Let me know if you want a copy. (That doesn't mean I will give you one, mind you).

More recently, I bought the remix of tobyMac's "Diverse City." I feel pretty confident that most readers of this blog are not big tobyMac fans, but I must say that I secretly look up to him. Don't tell anyone. He does a million things at once and has an appreciation for differing musical styles.

For whatever reason, I have had the remix to "Ill-M-I" on repeat in my car for the past few days. Good stuff. Rumor has it that if Kevin Max doesn't get back together with dc Talk, I'm in the mix to replace him.

Cold feet

Just for fun, I took Andrea and the kids for a drive tonight. We ate at Andy's Pizza (total cost, $10.80 to feed six people). A little later, we stopped at Dunkin Donuts (total cost, around $7). When we came back home, a strange box was waiting for us in our garage. After a moment of pondering its possible contents, my wife remembered that she had ordered new shoes from Land's End. It's several hours later and she hasn't even shown them to me. Why is she being so secretive?

While on the topic of shoes.......this is crazy,........... but many years ago, a distant relative of mine is rumored to have lost a shoe while hunting in Canada. We have searched and searched for generations without success. Now I read this.

Olympic mold

Knowing that I enjoy different sports, several people have asked me recently if I was watching the Olympics. The short answer is "no", at least not on purpose. (I happened to watch a few minutes of "curling" on a restaurant TV yesterday).

Because this seems odd for someone who enjoys competition, I will explain why I don't enjoy the Olympiad. Quite simply, I don't like pageantry. It has a way of making me feel embarrassed for those who are caught up in it.

To be consistent, I don't enjoy pageantry in the church either. I prefer a simple worship service that includes singing, praying, preaching and fellowship. I enjoy weddings that aren't overly complicated. Even funerals can be overdone at times. Several months ago I attended a funeral that was the most repetitive service I have ever experienced. It was as if the "vicar" had purposed in his heart to repeat himself perpetually until God became annoyed enough to let the deceased enter Heaven. (I don't think it works that way).

Anyway, I'm not into pomp.

Maybe I'll talk more about this another time, but for now I must run. It's almost time for figure skating.

American Kazoo Factory

Well, we visited the American Kazoo Factory the other day. It basically looks like a house that was converted into a small back-room factory. The great thing is that they actually do mass produce kazoos.

After taking the self-guided, very brief tour, we assembled our own metal kazoos using a specialized device. Total cost, less than two bucks.

The most memorable moment of the day came as my wife Andrea approached our two-year-old, Daniel, and tried to teach him how to use a kazoo. She took the kazoo, placed it to her lips and began to play......but no sound came out. She tried again and still nothing. At that point she realized (as Daniel watched intently) that she didn't know how to play a kazoo. Embarrassed, she handed the kazoo to Daniel who instantly played it perfectly as he marched around the gift shop.

On a related note, it is really winter in Buffalo, NY. Cold. Icy. Snowy. Here in Plymouth, PA, we have been having a fake, snowless winter.

I dig fake winters.

Huh-choo,...kazoo-me

I believe it's important to set goals. I have a few long-term goals that I'm aiming for. For example, I'm planning to re-read the Bible in a year. I'm working on getting licensed to broker mortgages within the next six months. I'm planning to feed my children for the next decade or so. Things like that.

I also believe that short-term goals have value. Therefore I am making it my personal goal to visit the American Kazoo Museum in the "Kazoo Capitol of the World" (Eden, NY) by the end of the week.

If I successfully attain this goal, you'll be hearing about it.

Puppy Bowl II

Last evening, after a football themed luncheon at church, we had our Sr. High Youth Group over to our house to watch the Superbowl. Many people in our area root for both the Eagles and Steelers, so this is two years in a row that the Superbowl seemed to generate some extra excitement amongst us.

We never watch the halftime show, partly because it's often risque, but mostly because it's stupid. During that half-hour, I discovered an equally stupid offering on Animal Planet that was twice as offensive as Janet Jackson could ever be.

The show was called "Puppy Bowl II." Apparently it aired last year as well.

Basically, the show consisted of about eight puppies running around on a green, football striped carpet. Scattered around the carpet were a few chew toys. On each end of the carpet were water bowls that had cameras in them.

There was no commentary. No scoring. No teams. Just eight puppies running around in silence on a green carpet. When one would take a drink, Animal Planet would switch to the "bowl cam" so you could watch the dog lap up water painfully close. Gross.

And even though there were no announcers giving play-by-play commentary, the program was closed captioned. Genius.

The odd thing was that this show drew us all in. No one could believe that a national cable station was airing something so lame. I'm convinced that most of us were there just hoping that one of those dogs would stain the carpet after taking a drink.

Halftime couldn't have been more offensive.

Furnace

I like electric heat.

I say this as a technician is banging on pipes in the basement, trying to fix a furnace that has already been fixed twice this week, and four other times in the past year. It's a never ending saga. You know you have the world's worst furnace when your gas company recognizes you and asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?"

You would assume that I'm referring to an ancient furnace, but such is not the case. This furnace was installed in 2002, brand new.

Electric heat goes off and on. It doesn't have to circulate hot water through baseboards. It doesn't require a furnace company to come fix it every day. It doesn't cost as much to use. It doesn't decide to take a day or two off every week.

I type this as I hear the technician now sawing something. I really wonder what he's doing, but he's just as sick of it breaking as I am, so I'm not going to go look.

Electric heat doesn't treat me like this.

4 chapters a day

A few weeks ago while in a Christian Bookstore, I came across a chart that allows you to keep track of your progress in reading through the Bible in one year's time. The chart encourages you to read three chapters a day and five on Sundays. In doing so, it will take one year to read the Bible.

I decided to read four chapters a day instead. That way every day is the same, and it should take me less than a year to finish. I don't allow myself to get more than three days behind. That way I won't be playing catch-up. My wife has agreed to keep this same reading pace, so we can keep each other accountable. Plus, it's fun to have company.

A few others have also said they are going to give it a try. I'm curious to see how many drop off during Leviticus.