Unsuspecting Video, "Little Coat"

Just for fun, I'm going to begin making more use of my cell phone's video feature. For the most part, all the clips I record with my phone are grainy and blurred, and last no more than ten seconds. This one is no exception.

Featured in this first video installment is Danny Coates, a regular reader of Stump the Pastor, and employee of the Pocono Mountain Bible Conference. Danny's girlfriend, Christina "The Goo" McFarland wears a much smaller coat size than Danny. Just for fun, Danny decided to try it on. The rumor is that EMS later removed it with the jaws of life.

While Danny was wearing it, another employee, Sara Garms, swiped my phone and began recording. Take special note of the moment Danny freezes as he realizes what she's doing.

Congratulations to Danny for being the first installment of a new segment on Stump the Pastor..... "Unsuspecting Video." Note: You may need to install "Quicktime" before viewing. If so, click here to download.

Danny Coates starring in "Little Coat."

Dessert

We just returned from our annual Thanksgiving "pilgrimage" to New Jersey. Each year our family spends a few days with my wife's extended family, bouncing house to house for different courses in the Thanksgiving feast. It's a lot of fun and I always look forward to it.

Children learn to lie at a young age. What does that have to do with Thanksgiving? "Let me esplain. No....there is too much. Let me sum up."

On Thursday evening, after the meal, we drove to Andrea's aunt's home for dessert. The kids were playing in the other room while eating all sorts of pies, cookies, etc. We tried to make sure that they didn't over do it, so Andrea checked on each of the kids. Hannah and Daniel were done eating, so she called our three-year-old, Jay, over for inspection.

Jay has attempted to lie to us recently. He hasn't tried it much, but enough that we have had to talk to him about it. Andrea took a look at his face and noticed that it was streaked with chocolate. The conversation went like this....

"Jay, did you already have a piece of chocolate?"

"No, Mommy."

"Jay, I'm going to ask you again. Did you eat a piece of chocolate?"

"No, Mommy. I'm serious. I didn't."

"Well, it looks like you're having trouble telling me the truth. Am I going to have to spank you? Now answer the question. Did you have a piece of chocolate."

"I'm telling you the truth. I didn't eat a piece of chocolate......I ate the whole thing!"

That's my boy.

True stories from childhood - Vol. 3, "Smoke Bomb"

The summer after sixth grade was a very dry summer. It rarely rained and most people had grass that was a dark crispy brown throughout the summer months. During that year, I had a few friends that I would spend a lot of time with. One such friend was Aaron. Aaron and I built our friendship on the mutual interest of seeing things burn or explode.

I think Aaron had a paper route or something because he always seemed to have money. I had some money from working at my father's grocery store, but never as much as Aaron. When we could scrape a few dollars together to spare, we would head to the store to buy as many fireworks as we could. Then we would clean up on the complimentary matches.

One day, Aaron and I bought several bags of smoke bombs. We purchased a few of the standard round kind that send up plumes of colored smoke, as well as some of the plastic smoke grenades. Aaron had heard that if you put a lit smoke bomb in water, it makes a bunch of smoke bubbles. He suggested we try that, and I agreed.

At the time, I lived near the local high school. Bordering the school was a stream that would feed the Lackawanna River. We headed toward that stream and once we got there we tested Aaron's theory. It worked, but we grew bored with it. For no apparent reason, Aaron threw one smoke bomb up the bank and into the high school baseball field. Neither of us saw smoke, so we assumed it must have been a dud.

After a while, we ran out of smoke bombs and decided to go back to my house. As we climbed the bank toward level ground, we quickly discovered that the smoke bomb Aaron had thrown earlier wasn't a dud at all. Not only must it have gone off, but the dry, crispy outfield was on fire and a crowd of people was swarming to see what was going on.

Aaron and I ran as fast as we could to my house. When we got there, we called the fire department and then watched as they came and put out the fire. It was nearly a year before the outfield looked normal again.

Oops.

Turkey

This may ruin your Thanksgiving meal, but it won't ruin mine.

True stories from childhood - Vol. 2 "The doghouse"

For some time when my sisters and I were little, my mother used to take us to her friend's house when we needed to be babysat. I'll call her friend, Mrs. Crabbypants (you may call her "Devil in a house coat").

Mrs. Crabbypants was the world's worst babysitter. She loved my baby-sister, Stephanie, but hated Tami and I because we were older. All day long she would sit and watch soap operas while feeding Stephanie all the best snacks she had in her house. While she did that, Tami and I were required to sit in her parlor and stare at her fish tank.

Right around this time the "Clapper" was invented. I'm sure you remember the concept. If you clapped, your lights would turn on or off. Being that I was bored out of my mind and barely permitted to move from the couch, I managed to discover that if you belched, it also turned the lights on and off. I belched and belched and belched all day long, always pretending it was an accident. I especially loved when she hooked the Clapper to the TV cord. "Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our.........belch!" TV off.

Over time, I grew so tired of having to sit in her parlor staring at that tank. When the weather was warm, we were finally allowed to play for a half-hour in her back yard. We savored that half-hour and hated when we had to go back inside. Mrs. Crabbypants was cruel.

One day, I devised a plan. When the half-hour was just about over, I would hide in the doghouse in her back yard. Now that I think about it, that's pretty gross, but it was no dirtier than her parlor, so I survived.

Mrs. Crabbypants called us inside and Tami went in. "Where's your brother?" she asked. Tami didn't see what I had done or where I went, so she told her she didn't know. Mrs. Crabbypants didn't believe her and began calling my name. I waited a while and didn't answer. She kept calling. Eventually, she gave up. I remember thinking that she seemed concerned, but not terribly panicky. (Truth be told, she was probably glad that she couldn't find me).

Eventually, I emerged from the doghouse and turned myself in. Mrs. Crabbypants didn't watch us much after that.

True stories from childhood - Vol. 1, "The Smooch"

For the next few posts, I would like to share with you some of my favorite events from childhood. Being surrounded by my kids, I often think back to that time period.

When I was in kindergarten, I took the bus. It was one of those smaller "mini" busses which means there weren't many seats. My house was one of the last stops on the driver's route so I didn't usually have much of a choice when it came to seating. On the first day of school, there was only one seat left open. It was next to another kindergartener. Her name was Jennifer. I sat down next to her and didn't say a single word, all the way to school.

As the year went on, I quickly began to realize that I was quite smitten with Jennifer. Even though it wasn't technically "cool" to talk to or play with girls, I often tried to make certain that I was in whatever play group she was in.

Our classroom didn't have desks. There were several large tables for the children to sit at. Eventually, I maneuvered my seating assignment so that my seat would be directly across from Jennifer's. From the bus, to playtime, to lessons, Jennifer just couldn't get away from me. As I look back now, that sounds a little creepy, but she didn't seem to mind.

Finally, after months of pent-up emotion, I decided that I was going to give Jennifer a kiss. I was quite brazen about it. While Mrs. Durso, our teacher, was teaching the class, I decided to dive across the table and kiss Jennifer, which took everyone by surprise. Emboldened by the success of my first attempt (and the lack of revulsion on Jennifer's face) I decided to do it again. Then a third time. Finally, Mrs. Durso stopped me and I was sternly warned that she was going to tell my parents. I was worried.

Every day from that point on, I wondered when she would tell them. My Mom never said anything. Neither did my Dad. I knew my doomsday was going to eventually come, but no one said a word.

When the school year was over, I worked up the nerve to ask my Dad if he knew. "Dad," I asked, "did Mrs. Durso ever tell you that I kissed Jennifer?" He was sitting in his recliner at the time and looked me in the eyes. I truly wondered if I was about to get in trouble, but I had to know if he knew. I couldn't take wondering any longer.

My Dad stared at me, then smiled. "Johnny," he said, "Mrs. Durso told me all about it. And....I have never been more proud of you."

Not long ago, my Grandmother came across a picture of my kindergarten glass and she showed it to my wife, Andrea. Andrea scanned the picture for a moment and then asked me, "So, is this one Jennifer?" She had heard this story a million times. The funny thing was that she was right.

"How did you know?," I asked. Andrea replied, "I just picked the girl that looked most like me."

True story.

Fried temptation

I am posting this entry early in the hopes that it will keep me accountable to each regular reader of Stump the Pastor.

On Tuesday mornings, I take a class on Church Planting (how to establish new churches in growing communities). The class ends around noon. On my drive back to Plymouth, I am forced to pass Krispy Kreme Donuts.

As you can imagine, their original glazed calls out my name as I try to keep my eyes focused on the highway. Usually, I give in to temptation, eat too many donuts, wash them down with a specialty coffee, then continue my drive - burdened with guilt.

Today will be different. With your help, I will forsake this wicked craving.

Will Pastor John succeed or will he give in to his desire for glazed gluttony? Stop by later tonight for an update where Pastor John will be forced to place his hand on the Bible and answer this question, "Pastor John....did you resist temptation and choose not to eat at Krispy Kreme today?"

Update 10:41pm

"Pastor John....did you resist temptation and choose not to eat at Krispy Kreme today?"

"I am happy to say that yes, I did resist temptation and forsook the donuts that once sought to enslave me. Freedom tastes better than glaze."

Project, False Prophet (part 2)

Several weeks ago, I told you of an idea that I had that would ultimately (hopefully) cost the fake-ministries of people like Prophet Peter Popoff a lot of money. The plan was (and still is) to use the postage paid envelopes that they send with their mailings, as the means by which we could send them heavy boxes of garbage that would cost about $40 to receive. You can read more about how that is done by clicking here and why I'm targeting Peter Popoff by clicking here.

Anyway, in preparation to make this plan a reality, I submitted a fake prayer request at Peter Popoff's website. I did this, knowing that they would then take my address information and use it to send me their junk mailings. Popoff is notorious for using some of the most ridiculous and underhanded means to swindle people into sending him money.

Well, the other day, I received his first mailing. Unfortunately, he must be on to me because it didn't include a postage paid envelope. On the other hand, what it did include were magic "number seven stickers" that I could stick on a special "prayer folder" and thus "release my faith." If my prayer need is a "vacation trip," I just need to affix the sticker to that part of the prayer folder, accompanied by a dollar amount that is divisible by 7, and shazzam, my prayer will be answered. You can see the prayer folder up close by clicking the picture up top. Here is a picture of the number 7 stickers as well.

My favorite part of the "Miracle-7-Gram prayer folder" is Popoff's solution for solving eating disorders. He suggests, "If you have an eating problem, Stick one on your frig." That is a direct quote. I have a better suggestion. If, like Popoff, you have a spelling or capitalization problem, maybe you could stick one on your dictionary. (frig = fridge...... Stick = stick).

Anyway, all this typing is making me hungry. I wonder what munchies my wife has in my frig. Be right back...................... Ah man, one of my kids must have put a 7-gram sticker on the door. Now how am I supposed to get fat with a clear conscience?

Justifiably critical

Sometimes I can be very critical of TV and Movies. I personally believe that they are not intrinsically evil as tools for information, entertainment and communication, but rather are being used by the devil to corrupt Christians and non-Christians alike. In my experience, many people who share my same faith in Christ do not seem to agree with my assertion. (Or, maybe they technically agree in their heads, but that doesn't seem to prevent them from watching movies and shows that vividly display immorality).

Click the quote/link below to see just how much TV has changed in just the past seven years.

"The study found that 70 percent of all shows included some sexual content, averaging about five sex scenes per hour. That's up from about three scenes per hour in 1998, and from nearly 4.5 scenes an hour three years ago. "

Our forms of entertainment are making us more accepting of that which breaks the heart of God.

Time, once again, to stump

As promised, the comment area is open for your "Stump the Pastor" questions. Any question about the Bible or the Christian life is fair game. I'm looking forward to some good ones. I will do my best to respond quickly.

Note: Sorry about the delay in posting Thursday's post. Blogger wasn't working correctly for quite some time yesterday. That prevented my post from showing up until earlier today.

Reader profiles

In Jared's own words, we learn the following:

About Jared:He seriously rules. He plays drums, and tries to play guitar. He goes to Lafayette College, where he's studying to be a Civil Engineer. He's been rocking PMBC for 5 years as staff. His current beau (I think that's how it's spelled) is the equally rocking Sara Vnuk. Him and Pastor John have a similar sense of humor and a similar appreciation of an eclectic variety of music. His other girlfriend is Pastor John's daughter Hannah.

That's my take on my profile. But I bet you can think of something more amusing and/or revealing. Jared.

In Saddam's own words we read,

About Saddam: Well, it's been a while since I've checked out the blog. Saddam likes blog. Saddam also enjoys long walks in the park, daylilies and all things fuzzy. My favorite food is General Tso's Chicken from the food court at the mall. I usually like to finish my meal with an Auntie Anne's pretzel (hold the mustard, it always sticks in my moustache).

Quick question PJ, any chance you can get me out of Iraq somehow? Things are getting a little tense.

In Carol's own words we find out,

About Carol: So nice to see quality entertainment and information on the Internets (that is how it's spelled, right?). Since my career tanked about 15 years ago, permit me to introduce myself to your readers. My name is Carol Channing and for many years I was the most annoying person you could find on your TV (I have since lent that title to Gilbert Gottfried and Janeane Garafalo respectively).

I also enjoy General Tso's chicken from the food court at the mall. Permit me to ask, but Saddam, if you aren't executed for committing genocide and largescale crimes against humanity, would you like to go with? We can go dutch. I'm seriously not a gold-digger. Have your people call my people.

Bonus: After reading today's post, be sure to click right here to view Pastor John's first ever foray into the role of movie director.

Odd siding choice

Most home exteriors are relatively uniform. Vinyl siding, aluminum, brick, T111, etc. Sometimes a combination of vinyl and brick looks nice, provided that the colors match.

I have driven past this house regularly for almost seven years. It's less than five miles from where I live and it caught my attention almost immediately. First of all, it's not terribly often that you still see homes that have been sided with what is essentially roofing material (besides, I have heard that it's carcinogenic). But why the various colors? And why three different colors? I guess it's possible that the owner was going for maybe an Irish or an Italian flag theme.

Even stranger is that the right hand side of the house (not visible from picture) is wood siding with a bluish tint. In all, that's four different colors and two different siding styles.

And even stranger than that is the fact that this has bothered me enough that I drove by early this morning, turned my car around and snapped that picture while driving by a second time. Why do I care? Why have I been planning for 5 days to tell you all about this house with strange siding? Why doesn't this blog focus on things like Hurricane Katrina (click here and read comment number 8) and other topics of national importance?

Thankfully, tomorrow I will be posting "Reader Profiles." I'm sure at least that post will be serious (eh hem).

Schedule note: Stop by again tomorrow for the Thursday segment, "Reader Profiles." There's still time to have yours included. Just e-mail jnstange@gmail.com with a picture and a brief paragraph to be featured.

The kids

Several months ago, Hannah discovered what was clogging the pool drain at the camp. It turns out that it was Danny Coates who had been stuck in the basin filter. Using all her might, she pulled him to safety.

At age three, Jay has found a job in local law enforcement. The budget of our Police Department was cut to the point that they can only afford uniforms one third the size of the old municipal attire. In frustration, most officers quit. Because of Jay's impeccable character, ability to use a spitoon, and boyish size three vest, he was appointed to the position of Sheriff.

To my shame, my 21 month old, Daniel, got his hands on a Harry Potter book. Defying logic, he taught himself to read and cast sorcerer's spells. Unfortunately, he chose to turn my wife, Andrea, into a lobster (which is a real bummer for me because she loves to hold hands).

Schedule note: Stop by again tomorrow for the Wednesday segment, "Commentary on a house with strange siding."