Breaking News.... Pope John Paul II

Breaking News: (Must Credit "Stump the Pastor" if reprinted)

Noticing the significant recent weight gain of Pope John Paul II, rumors have been abundant as to the actual cause of his obescity.

Ending Speculation, the Pope illustrated the real problem during his Sunday homily from his residence in Vatican City. During the second point of his message, the Pope's stomach began grumbling. The grumbling grew so loud that his lapel/crucifix mic began picking up the sound. After several minutes of trying to ignore the obvious distraction, Pope John Paul II snatched a single white dove out of the air as it passed by his window. To the astonishment of the gathered multitude, he then proceeded to pluck and eat the dove while delivering the remainder of his homily.

Later that day, when asked about the incident, the Pope commented, "I have low blood sugar and white doves are soooo sweet."

102 and counting

It's not often that I get sick, but when I do, I get hit hard. I have just spent the past two days of my life dizzy, sick to my stomach, head-aching, coughing, nose running, etc. I asked Andrea to take my temperature and it was discovered that it was about 102.

I spent all of yesterday in our family room on the couch. I watched the Rockford Files (love it), 2 hours of Everybody Loves Raymond, Fox News, and a few other things. I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out of this cold. I still feel weak and lethargic, but I mustered up enough energy this evening to finally eat again.

In the meantime, I found this solution for the perpetually runny nose.

Sweethearts

Awwwww

Go Eagles!

I can't tell you why I care so much about football, but I do. Since January 1981 when the Eagles last played in a Superbowl, I have been rooting for their return. That day has come and in less than two weeks they will be facing the Patriots.

I haven't heard many predictions yet, but I'm assuming that the Patriots are favored to win. May it never be so.

We will be hosting a Soup-er-bowl party at church on Sunday, February 6th, following the morning service. Bring a crock of soup or a plate of sandwiches and join us. If you're not fortunate enough to attend our church, please stop by my house later that evening. Our youth group will be meeting for our annual Superbowl party, kicking off at game time.

I'm still searching for one of those Eagles' helmets that can serve as a Nacho platter. Any leads?

We're Number 1

Just a note to make you aware that "Stump the Pastor" has reached the #1 spot on Yahoo's search. Test it out for yourself. Just search for "Stump the Pastor" on Yahoo, and there we are.

Having now achieved what was my ultimate life goal, there are several things that were further down on the list that I'm no longer going to bother striving for. Just in case you're curious, here was the list I was working from.

Pastor John's Ultimate Life Goals
1. Reach #1 search position on Yahoo (achieved, January 2005)
2. Brush teeth daily
3. Learn to make floating spit bubbles
4. Stare at the sun long enough to turn my blue eyes brown
5. Encourage congress to pressure soft-drink companies to revert back to English measurements and once again sell soda by the gallon.
6. Encourage congress to pressure snack food companies to sell all food items in liquid measurements, thus allowing me to purchase Slim-Jim's by the gallon.
7. Stop wearing white shoes before Easter
8. Learn the words to 99 Luftballoons by Nena
9. Roll my neighbor's monogrammed bowling ball down our hill and hope it doesn't hit any of the cars on Main St.
10. Save for my children's college education

Inaugural Photo Montage

Well, yesterday afternoon, my wife and I arrived back to Northeast, PA from our visit to Washington D.C. for the Inauguration of President Bush to his second term. Here's the rundown.

On Wednesday, we left around 10:30am, with plenty of time to reach the D.C. area by the 4:30pm Pastor's reception we were slated to attend. Unfortunately, a slick snow fell all throughout the course of our trip and kept traffic moving at a snail's pace. Tractor trailers were jack-knifing all around us, bringing traffic to a complete stop until they could be towed out of the way. I noticed at one point that the mini-van directly in front of me seemed to slow down for no apparent reason. Then I watched as two vehicles, spinning out of control, slid into our lane and then off the road.

We finally arrived in the Washington area at 7:30pm, about a half hour late for the banquet we were scheduled to attend at 7:00. We went anyway, and thankfully, we weren't the only people that were late. It seemed that most of those in attendance encountered the same kind of travel that we had.

On Thursday, we left the hotel around 9:00am to head toward the Capitol building for the swearing in ceremony. After going through security, the President's motorcade passed right by us, barely 10 feet away.

We had good tickets for the inaugural parade, but after waiting for several hours to get through security, we decided to head back to the hotel and get ready for the Inaugural Ball that evening. Originally, we were going to attend the Pennsylvania ball, but then ended up with Ohio tickets. That was fine by me. Then, the man who was handling our tickets and other accommodations found a way to upgrade us to the Texas/Wyoming Ball. Of course we jumped on that, knowing that it was bound to be a good experience.

At the ball, the President and Vice-President spoke, danced with their wives and briefly greeted the crowd. Lots of notable people were in attendance and mingled with the crowd. Rudy Giuliani, Donald Rumsfeld, Scott McClellan, James Dobson, Ralph Reed, Peggy Noonan, Secretary of Blog - John Stange, and a few others.

Hannity and Colmes broadcasted from this ball, so we walked over to watch the broadcast. I called home and asked my sister to DVR it for us. When we got back, we noticed that the camera panned on us several times during the second half hour of the show.

Driving back was no sweat and we're thankful to the Lord for his protection during the entire experience. All in all, it was a nice time and I'm looking forward to inviting each of my loyal "Stump the Pastor" readers to my inauguration in 2020. Until then.........

Inauguration

Well, regardless of your political affiliation, most people who know me are aware of the fact that I am a big fan of President Bush. I had the chance to serve as the Director of Evangelical Outreach for the Bush campaign during the 2004 election and enjoyed the experience (all except for the parts that I didn't enjoy).

Tomorrow, my wife and I head to D.C. to celebrate the President's inauguration to his second term. We will be attending one of the inaugural balls and our spot is reserved for the parade.

If you have a message that you would like me to pass on to the President when we meet him at the ball, please post it here and I will do my best to pass it on to him. But be thoughtful about your message. I don't want to say anything silly to my former boss.

Let me suggest several things not to say to him.

1. So, will you be dancing with Ricky Martin again like you did four years ago at this thing?
2. Is it me, or did your Secret Service agent just drop his badge in the shrimp platter?
3. Which of the foods at this dinner give you gas? I keep a historical log of foods that upset Presidential stomachs. Did you know that McKinley was allergic to peppercorns?
4. Rumor has it that you'll be creating a new cabinet post and nominating John Stange as "Secretary of Blog."
5. Mr. President, after sharing this 5 minute conversation with you, I have one final question.... would you care for a mint?

Hymn Contest

The response from my January 11th post "Hymn-tastic" was so good that I decided to make a contest out of the theme.

I found a hymn today titled "The Friendly Beasts." What I would like you to do is submit your suggestions as to how I could introduce that hymn on a Sunday morning.

I will be posting several of the best entries on this page for the readers of "Stump the Pastor" to vote on. The winning entry will receive a Slim Jim, made only of the friendliest beasts (and mechanically separated chicken).

Visit the ads

Apparently, if you visit the ads on the left of the page, you will be able to purchase your very own Vladimir Putin nesting doll for $90. Let me know if you want to go halfsies.

Hymn-tastic

Recently, while paging through an old hymnal with another pastor, we started to notice a pattern with some of the older hymns. While we both agreed that the words and the feeling of the older songs were absolutely beautiful and intensely encouraging, the titles seemed like they could have been re-phrased or re-thought.

Imagine, for a moment, leading a worship service at your church and having to announce some of the following songs to your congregation. (And just in case you think I'm inventing these titles, you can click on any of the hymns to see their full text and hear their tune). Based on my pastoral experience, I have also included some suggested ways to introduce each hymn, before singing.

Now, please turn with me to Number 363 as we ask the question of the dunces amongst us.....Are all the Foes of Sion Fools

Earlier this week, our trustees took the time to hose out our rain gutters and clear them of any nests. In the process, Mr. Jamison had his face gashed by a bluejay. As we express our appreciation for his work, let us sing......... As Birds their Infant Brood Protect

Rushing to church this morning, I had the unfortunate experience of running over a squirrel. As I pulled over to wipe its remains from my mud flap, I was reminded of a glorious medley that I would like us to sing together............. Not all the Blood of Beasts

I am sad to admit that last week, several coats and purses were taken from our cloak room. If anyone knows their whereabouts, please inform our deacons as soon as possible. While we try to surmise where these items could have gone, let us turn our minds toward the direction given to us by our opening hymn........................ Into the Tent where a Gypsy Boy Lay

I would like to express my appreciation to our Women's Ministry Coordinator for hosting such a wonderful covered-dish dinner. I ate so much that I'm afraid I can't fit back into my suit coat. As we continue this time of fellowship, let's join our voices and sing........................... We'll Girdle the Globe

And this will conclude our month long study on the spiritual implications of depression. As we meditate on this teaching, let us end our service with a rousing chorus of ....................................... O God, Thou Hast Rejected Us

Unbeknownst to our Decoration Committee, Mrs. Swirsky took the time to adorn our sanctuary with her own needlepoint crafts that honor the role of kittens and unicorns in the building of the early church. As we stare at what clearly took her a long time to prepare, let's join our voices and passionately proclaim....... How Tedious and Tasteless

Hit the bricks

I just spent the weekend in Pittsburgh and noticed something very curious (in addition to the excessive availability of Steeler's paraphanalia). Pittsburghers love their bricks. Seriously. I have never witnessed such an overwhelming abundance of brick before. I'm convinced that bricks must be free in Pittsburgh or possibly there is a brick mine that shares the treasure with everyone in the city.

Where I live on the other side of the state (Northeast PA), and I would presume the rest of the country, a cross walk is just a painted set of lines on the blacktop. In Pittsburgh, the blacktop is interrupted with rows of brick, thus completing the crosswalk. Almost every church, school or house is brick (and the ones that aren't are stone).

It's even rumored that one of the reasons the Steelers are playing so well this year is because they spend all of their practices hiking, punting, passing and kicking bricks. So when game time comes, the pigskin is a breeze to maneuver.

What other uses might the people of Pittsburgh invent for bricks? How about brick furniture (for the indoor brick lover) or brick canoes (for the outdoorsy type)? Brick sandals might be a nice idea. Maybe a nice set of brick earrings would make a good gift (although I hate the thought of what that might do to your ear lobes).

Maybe a truly creative Pittsburgher could market "The Pet Brick," similar to the concept of the pet rock. And maybe you could market Pet Bricks sort of like Xavier Roberts marketed Cabbage Patch Dolls. They could each come with their own birth certificate and a unique name (like Mason McBricky or Brittany Lyn Brickelstein). Add a noticeable brick bellybutton in the middle. And you could sign your name on the brick's backside.

These are just a few thoughts. Either way, Pittsburgh has a lot of bricks and I thought the city would like to know that someone noticed.

Merry Russian Christmas

If you live or grew up in Northeast Pennsylvania, you have probably heard of, or possibly celebrated "Russian Christmas." Since the time I was a child, it has been our family tradition to leave our Christmas tree up until at least January 7th in honor of this holiday (although there was one year when we left the tree up until April, but that's because we were excessively and stubbornly lazy.......................I truly wish that was a joke).

Our family is mainly German in heritage, but my Great Uncle Barry was Russian and when he married into the family, this tradition began out of respect for him. Uncle Barry passed away when I was in 6th grade, but we still remember him in this small way.

Below are the ways that eHow.com suggests we celebrate a Russian Christmas. We only follow Number 1 (again, because we're German and stubborn).

How to Celebrate a Russian Christmas

Christmas in Russia is celebrated by some on January 7, because the Russian Orthodox Church follows the old Julian calendar. Others prefer to celebrate it on December 25.

10 Steps:

1. Set up a "yelka," or Christmas tree, in your home and decorate it with colored lights and flowers.

2. Include a set of Russian nesting dolls in your decorations. These are famous and can be bought at local markets.

3. Plan to fast on Christmas Eve until the church service ends.

4. Prepare a modest meal without meat for Christmas Eve. Include "kutya," which is a porridge made of grains that symbolize immortality, and honey and poppy seeds to ensure happiness, success and peaceful rest.

5. Remind all your guests to partake from a common dish to signify your unity as a group.

6. Invite a priest to visit your home to sprinkle holy water in each room.

7. Gather in church on Christmas Day with family, friends and neighbors.

8. Plan a Christmas meal of goose and suckling pig.

9. Prepare for Grandfather Frost to deliver toys to your children on Christmas Day.

10. Expect Baboushka to bring more presents on Three Kings Day, which is celebrated on January 6 on the modern calendar. According to legend, she failed to give shelter to the three wise men who stopped at her home; now she roams the earth looking for the Christ Child and leaving gifts at people's homes.

Pray like Jay

One of the things that Andrea and I try to do is to teach our children to pray. Hannah is getting really good at it and I think she truly understands the concept. Jay is getting there as well, but he's still at the point where he either loses his train of thought or starts praying about something that is so off the wall that we struggle to keep our composure.

Each evening, before we put the kids to bed, we sit down and pray for them. Then we ask them to pray as well. Here's how Jay's prayer went the night before last.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for my friends
for Danny
for Matt
and
for somebody else
and
for the one who stole my nose
uh
and my ear.
In Jesus name, Amen.

The best part is that even though we had no idea what he was talking about, he was completely serious and sincere. I love that boy. Now I've got to track down several missing parts of his face and I have no clue where to begin looking.

While you were sleeping.......

I am very alarm paranoid. Let me explain. I have this great fear that I am going to one day over-sleep on a Sunday morning and not show up for church. I know that's somewhat ridiculous being that church begins around 10:00am, but I still take precautions. Every Saturday night, I make certain that 3 alarms are poised to wake me up the next morning. My alarm clock, Andrea's alarm clock, plus the alarm on my cell phone (just in case the power goes out during the night).

Every Saturday night, before my head hits the pillow, I ask my wife Andrea if she set her alarm. She always answers "Yes." Then I ask her what time she set it for and she always tells me "7:00." This is our standard routine, carried out almost flawlessly for many years.

Saturday night, very late into the evening, after a long weekend of reunions and retreats at the Pocono Mountain Bible Conference, I asked my sleeping wife the standard Saturday night questions.

Me: "Did you set your alarm?"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "What time did you set it for" ......................

This is where things turned odd

Her: "6:00"
Me: "6:00? Why 6:00?"
Her: "6:30 is what I wanted, but the trays were on for the candles, for the fires and the leftovers."
Me: "What? Ha, ha, ha."

At that point, I immediately sprung to my desk where I grabbed a post-it note so I could write her comments down before I forgot a word of it. I love when she says ridiculous things in her sleep. When Andrea realized what I was doing, she yelled, "Knock it off." But it was too late. The words were already inscribed on paper. Strangely satisfied, I returned to bed and chuckled myself to sleep.

Fast forward to Sunday. Andrea confessed over lunch that she had stolen my post-it note. I couldn't believe it. I had been robbed by my own wife. Thankfully, she relented and told me where she hid it. But just in case she is tempted to steal it again, I'm posting it's contents here where they're safe. Please don't tell her. He, he, he.