Can-opener conspiracy

Picture this moment in time. It's 1:30am, late on a Thursday night (or early Friday morning depending on your perspective). I have been living on cereal and peanut butter for nearly a week. My family, including my live-in chef/wife is still hours away in Pittsburgh and I'm hungry. I begin scouring the cupboards for anything edible. My eyes fix on a bright can of mini-raviolis. It's settled.....I will eat the ravioli and savor the taste of each processed pasta square.

I take the can and set it on the counter, then search through the utensil drawer for the can-opener. Having located it, I place it on the can and begin turning it. Nothing happens. "What is this thing?" I ask myself. Then I remember,....it's one of those new, weird, "safe" can-openers that is meant to open the can without leaving any sharp edges.

I try again, determined to eat. Instead of opening the can, this new can-opener only bends the rim. Undeterred, I try once more. Another bend. Frustrated, I prepare to give up. Yet I am very hungry so I re-focus and make two more attempts, each time bending the top of the can further. Now the can looks like a tidal wave of tin, but it is not opening.

At this point, realizing that I was using a tool that only women can operate, I went to the closet and gathered some "manly" tools. With a set of pliers, I began pulling on the top of the can in the attempt to pry it off. It began separating and the vacuum seal broke, but the lid still would not come off. Then I tore into the can again, forming a small slice in the top.

Making some progress, I traded tools for the smaller, sharper tinsnip. I snipped a larger slice in the top of the can, then pried it back with the pliers. I followed this routine several times in a row until I had fashioned an opening just large enough for the esteemed raviolis to fall out.

In the end, this is what was left of the can.

Further evidence that the only time I belong in the kitchen is when my wife beckons me to consume the dinner SHE has prepared. (Tune in tomorrow for a brief observation I would like to make about religion and food commercials.)

On another note, today was our 7th Anniversary. Can-openers have changed a lot in that time.