Hymn-tastic

Recently, while paging through an old hymnal with another pastor, we started to notice a pattern with some of the older hymns. While we both agreed that the words and the feeling of the older songs were absolutely beautiful and intensely encouraging, the titles seemed like they could have been re-phrased or re-thought.

Imagine, for a moment, leading a worship service at your church and having to announce some of the following songs to your congregation. (And just in case you think I'm inventing these titles, you can click on any of the hymns to see their full text and hear their tune). Based on my pastoral experience, I have also included some suggested ways to introduce each hymn, before singing.

Now, please turn with me to Number 363 as we ask the question of the dunces amongst us.....Are all the Foes of Sion Fools

Earlier this week, our trustees took the time to hose out our rain gutters and clear them of any nests. In the process, Mr. Jamison had his face gashed by a bluejay. As we express our appreciation for his work, let us sing......... As Birds their Infant Brood Protect

Rushing to church this morning, I had the unfortunate experience of running over a squirrel. As I pulled over to wipe its remains from my mud flap, I was reminded of a glorious medley that I would like us to sing together............. Not all the Blood of Beasts

I am sad to admit that last week, several coats and purses were taken from our cloak room. If anyone knows their whereabouts, please inform our deacons as soon as possible. While we try to surmise where these items could have gone, let us turn our minds toward the direction given to us by our opening hymn........................ Into the Tent where a Gypsy Boy Lay

I would like to express my appreciation to our Women's Ministry Coordinator for hosting such a wonderful covered-dish dinner. I ate so much that I'm afraid I can't fit back into my suit coat. As we continue this time of fellowship, let's join our voices and sing........................... We'll Girdle the Globe

And this will conclude our month long study on the spiritual implications of depression. As we meditate on this teaching, let us end our service with a rousing chorus of ....................................... O God, Thou Hast Rejected Us

Unbeknownst to our Decoration Committee, Mrs. Swirsky took the time to adorn our sanctuary with her own needlepoint crafts that honor the role of kittens and unicorns in the building of the early church. As we stare at what clearly took her a long time to prepare, let's join our voices and passionately proclaim....... How Tedious and Tasteless